Villainous Roommates
by Windrises
Summary: Arkham Asylum's inmates are escorted to an apartment building for good behavior. The male villains are put in one apartment, while the women are put into the other. Poison Ivy insists Harley give up on Joker, but she's too gullible to realize what trick the Joker is planning.


Notes: Batman is owned by DC Comics and was created by writer Bill Finger, based on a concept by artist Bob Kane. Harley Quinn was created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. Talia al Ghul was created by Dennis O'Neil, Bob Brown, and Dick Giordano.

The inmates of Arkham Asylum had stopped attempting to break out, because they were tired of getting punished and beaten up. Although they still acted like fun-loving troublemakers, their behavior had improved. Due to this, rumors were starting to spread, that the inmates may get released.

After months of improved behavior, Gotham's superiors had come to a decision: Arkham Asylum's most well behaved inmates would be allowed to leave Arkham Asylum, but they would have to move into an apartment building, that was guarded by police officers. Although the villainous inmates had a few complaints, they knew it was better than being in Arkham Asylum. The inmates agreed to the deal. They didn't have to wear straight jackets or bland asylum-uniforms, any longer. They were allowed to get their regular costumes back and they got to bring a few suitcases of belongings.

Arkham Asylum's staff gave the inmates a ride to the apartment building. The building had three floors: The first floor was the lobby, where a majority of guards would spend their workdays at, the second floor was for snacks, refreshments, and a bunch of vending machines, and third floor was where the inmates were supposed to live at. The third floor had two giant-sized apartments. The left apartment was for the guys and the right apartment was for the women. Joker, Penguin, Riddler, and Two-Face were escorted into the left apartment, while Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Talia al Ghul, and Harley Quinn were escorted into the left apartment.

The Joker pranced into his new apartment. He noticed how organized and regular the place looked, so he said, "I'll be fixing this plain house, by adding my unique craziness." He did a goofy-sounding laugh.

The Penguin straightened his bowtie and snobbishly said, "A mere apartment isn't an acceptable home, for the legendary Oswald Cobblepot. I may be into crime, but I'm a true gentleman, who demands a sophisticated atmosphere."

Joker replied, "Penguin, you have standards, which I don't recommend. Who needs eloquence and glamour, when you have the tempting nuttiness of unpredictable chaos?"

The Riddler said, "Riddle me this: Who deserves a mansion and a lifetime of puzzle-related books, but didn't receive squat?"

The Penguin used his umbrella to poke the Riddler, while saying, "Don't make any riddles, puzzle-boy."

The Riddler replied, "But riddles are hip."

Two-Face said, "I'm an attorney, so I gotta be honest: I'm pleased this floor has two apartments."

The Joker had an amused look on his face, while saying, "Wow, you dorks sure love your gimmicks. How about do something more meaningful, instead of making cheap jokes that relate to your cheap gimmick?"

The Penguin answered, "You've got to be kidding, Joker. Everything you do involves your jokey gimmick, you prankster."

The Riddler said, "Gimmicks are cool. Like I always say, if you can solve my puzzle, you'll grow a muzzle."

Two-Face was already tired of his goofy roommates, so he flipped his coin, to decide if he should complain. After the coin came to a decision, he faced his roommates and said, "Joker might be the only literal-clown, but you all act like clowns. I should be living somewhere more respectful and dignified, like a bank vault, than with you weirdos."

Riddler said, "Joker's probably a little heartbroken, since he and Harley aren't living together."

Joker replied, "Yeah right. Harley's a real pain in the neck. Not as painful as Batman, but Batman did break my neck, so that goes without saying."

Suddenly, the villains were distracted by a painfully loud sound, which was coming from Riddler's stomach. Two-Face said, "Shut up, riddle-boy."

Riddler replied, "Hey, hold on to your horses."

Penguin said, "Speaking of that, I once participated in a horse race." He squawked and said, "Gotta love the 60s' creativeness."

Riddler said, "My stomach is being a noisy pest, because it's been about ten hours, since I last ate."

Penguin replied, "Hold on there, you un-classy vermin. Arkham Asylum's staff prepared us a big meal, before sending us here."

Riddler responded, "That might be true, but they weren't serving the crap, that I like to eat. I want chips, cookies, and popcorn, not chicken, pizza, and fancy stuff."

Two-Face said, "Riddler, just go to the second floor, my favorite of the floors, and get some food, so your stomach will shut up."

Riddler shook his hands around and replied, "Hold on there. I want a lot of food, like a few dozen bags of crap. It would take quite a few trips, to get all the food I want. Because of that, I don't want to do that."

Joker responded, "Although Riddler usually has cruddy opinions, I'm afraid I agree with him. There's a lot of junk food, that I'd like to try out. However, I don't want to carry the crap."

Penguin asked, "Then what will you do?"

Joker smiled, while saying, "I know how to take care of that." He laughed.

Meanwhile, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Talia al Ghul, and Harley Quinn went into their apartment. Catwoman started putting cat-related merchandise around the apartment, while Poison Ivy got out her plants, and Harley threw party-decorations around. Catwoman started scratching the carpet, while saying, "You know what? This place isn't that cruddy."

Poison Ivy replied, "It's a much better environment, for my plants. Also, it's much better than the asylum."

Talia snobbishly said, "This apartment is a piece of garbage, for someone of my high-ranking. I'm the daughter of Ra's al Ghul, so I deserve a mansion and hundreds of Alfreds, not this dump."

Harley Quinn said, "This place doesn't feel like home, yet, but I'm sure that's going to change, after I see my Joker."

Poison Ivy gave Harley a disapproving look and said, "You have to avoid that manipulative jerk. He's a terrible influence."

Harley replied, "Hey, I was a boring smart-lady, before Joker showed me my true colors. I'm a jester, not a physiatrist."

Catwoman said, "My tongue is getting dry. I'm in desperate need, of a carton of milk. If the second floor doesn't have milk, I'm going to scratch the guards." She meowed, before crawling out of the room.

Harley nudged Ivy and said, "Let's go get some goofy snacks and crazy drinks."

Ivy replied, "Very well then."

Talia followed them, while saying, "The second floor better be a lot more stylish and enriching, than the apartment. I deserve the best of the best."

After the ladies stepped out of their apartment, Joker approached them. He tried to hide his smug smirk, while saying, "Greetings, women of the asylum."

Harley had an excited look on her face, while saying, "Joker, it's great to see ya."

The Joker smugly responded, "That's for sure. After all, I'm the handsomest charmer, that any asylum's ever laid eyes on."

Poison Ivy looked at him and asked, "What do you want, you sneaky scoundrel?"

Joker explained, "You see, the gentlemen and me are in need of snacks."

Poison Ivy replied, "Then just go to the second floor and get them."

Joker responded, "I have an idea, that'll benefit all of us."

Catwoman started purring, before asking, "What's your idea?"

Joker said, "The guys have hunger problems, that are crazier than the average inmate. Because of that, they'll be needing more snacks, than you could ever imagine. I don't have the Clock King's mastery of time-related knowledge, but I know it'd take such a long time, for the guys to carry the snacks. You see, they don't have the athletic skills or passionate energy, that you girls have. While you ladies are on the second floor, you should grab a vending machine's entire supply of snacks. That way, the guys will get the food, that they really need."

Poison Ivy replied, "You want us to do your heavy-lifting."

Joker hopped across the hallway, while responding, "Hold on there, you poisonous lilac. I'm not intending on scamming anybody. In fact, benefitting my fellow inmates has become my primary mission in life." Harley believed the Joker, but the others were very skeptical. Joker said, "While you girls grab the snacks, I'll be decorating your dining room. Your plain kitchen will be turned into something worthy of royalty. It'll blow your socks off. Sure, you'll have bare feet, but you'll gain the most eloquent and organized dining room, that any person has ever seen."

Harley smiled and replied, "That sounds like an excellent idea, Joker. You have such great taste and you're such a respectful gentleman."

Joker responded, "Indeed, Harley. I'm the clown prince of self-respect."

The women went to the second floor. Ivy looked at Harley, who used her hammer, to break the vending machine. Harley started grabbing every single item, that the vending machine, in order to feed Joker and the other guys. Ivy said, "Harley, are you actually going to participate in Joker's scam?"

Harley folded her arms and replied, "It's not a scam, Ivy. Joker's just trying to be a fair gentleman."

Poison Ivy could hardly believe what she was hearing. She said, "We're all a little nutty, but do you have any trace of common sense? It's painfully obvious, that the clown's just trying to trick us, because he's too lazy to carry a couple of snacks."

Harley looked a little offended, while replying, "My Joker isn't lazy. He's the most energetic, passionate, fun-loving, and upbeat person, that Gotham's ever seen."

Poison Ivy responded, "He's the biggest conman, that the DC universe has ever had."

Talia looked at Catwoman and asked, "What's going on, between the goofball and the plant fangirl?"

Catwoman answered, "They're the best of friends, but that doesn't mean they'll shy away from a fight."

Talia smugly replied, "Unlike most of humanity, I don't waste time, with petty friendship. I'm far too entitled and perfect, to ever need a friend."

Catwoman responded, "Trust me, people wouldn't want to be your friend."

Talia replied, "I appreciate that."

Meanwhile, Joker went into the women's apartment. He had claimed he was going to make the dining area look fancy, but he wasn't intending on doing that. Instead, he was planning on having some mischievous fun. Joker grabbed Catwoman's cat merchandise and threw it into a bag of kitty litter. After that, he grabbed Poison Ivy's plants and cut off the stems and leaves. He grabbed Talia's makeup and jewelry, which he threw out the window. He read Harley's diary, typed her diary's contents on Harley's Facebook page, and threw the diary out the window.

Joker clapped and said, "I did an excellent, if I may say so. However, that stuff wasn't related to the dining area, which I'm supposed to be focusing on. The women want a nice, fancy dining area, but where's the fun in that?" Joker grabbed the plates, stuffed them into a bag, and said, "I'll put these in a box and lie to a group of customers, about these plates being frisbees." He used some sharp cards, to break the dishwasher. He grabbed the broken pieces of the dishwasher and threw them out the window. Joker used a joy buzzer, to electrocute the sink. The sink broke. Joker grabbed the sink and threw it into a wall. He grabbed the cups and flushed them down the toilet.

Harley and Poison Ivy kept arguing. Poison Ivy knew the Joker was a lying villain, but Harley thought he was an eccentric gentleman. Poison Ivy said, "Come on, Harley. Joker's an untrustworthy fiend."

Harley angrily replied, "No he's not. He's the most important person in my life."

Poison Ivy had a tone of jealously in her voice, while responding, "I thought I was your number-one person."

Harley replied, "You better start bonding with Two-Face, because you're in second place."

Poison Ivy noticed Harley was still grabbing pounds of snacks, to give to Joker and the other guys, so she flung the snacks out of Harley's arms and said, "Get a clue, Harley."

Harley asked, "A clue? I'm a goofy clown, not a mystery-solving pup."

Poison Ivy replied, "If you were to be any Scooby-Doo character, you'd be Scooby-Dum."

Harley angrily responded, "If you were a Scooby-Doo character, you'd be a ghost, because you've become a broken shell of your former self." Ivy and Harley started throwing snacks at each other. They grabbed piles of snacks and flung them at one another. Catwoman ignored them, because she was more interested in opening the fridge and getting a gallon of milk. Talia also ignored Ivy and Harley, because she was busy, with posing in the mirror.

Meanwhile, Joker had Penguin, Riddler, and Two-Face come into the women's apartment, so he could show them the big mess, that he made. Penguin analyzed the room, while saying, "Joker, you removed any trace of eloquence, that this apartment has ever had. Is that a good thing?"

Two-Face got out his coin and replied, "I'll find out, if it's a good thing, by asking my little friend." He flipped the coin. After seeing what choice the coin made, Two-Face looked at Joker and said, "I'm afraid you're in trouble, Joker. The coin is under the impression, that ruining the women's apartment was a mistake."

Joker responded, "Come on, Two-Face. You used to be a lawyer, so you were an expert, at getting evidence. Now, you just use a coin, to decide your opinions. To be frank, you're pathetic."

Two-Face said, "Pathetic? You think breaking some plates is a crime worthy of accolades, so your opinions are the ones worthy of being called pathetic."

Joker asked, "How did you come to that conclusion? Did you use your brain or your coin? Considering you have double the faces, I was hoping you'd have double the brains. Although you're not lacking in faces, you're lacking in basic intelligence, you two-timing dud."

Penguin faced Joker and said, "Two-Face has a couple of flaws, but you're the one, who needs help. You have a complete lack of standards, which comes from your disgraceful lack of style."

Joker asked, "You think I lack style? You're an overly-fancy piece of boredom. You think waddling around, like a penguin, is high-class, but it's the bottom of the barrel."

Penguin replied, "I'll use my umbrella, to give you a weather storm of decorum."

Joker asked, "Why do you have that umbrella? Even when the weather's fine, you insist on carrying that silly thing. Plus, why would a penguin-themed guy need an umbrella? Umbrellas are used to hide from the rain and considering the cold temperatures penguins live in, I don't think they'd mind a few raindrops."

Riddler replied, "You guys are so obsessed, when it comes to irrelevant nonsense. Instead of focusing on jokes, coins, and birdseed, you should be creating puzzles and riddles, that'll outsmart the guards." The petty villains continued their arguing, for a long period of time.

Harley and Ivy threw more snacks at each other, for several minutes. After Harley got tired of it, she said, "I'm going to go back to the apartment, to see what a great job Joker did, with decorating the dining area."

Poison Ivy replied, "That's a good idea, because by doing that, you'll see how much the Joker ruined the place. It'll teach you, that Joker's the clown prince of liars."

Harley responded, "You should become the plant-lady of shutting up, because you're talking up a bunch of crap." Harley kicked dirt, in Ivy's direction, before heading back to the apartment.

A few minutes later, Harley went into the apartment. Penguin nervously whispered, "We're in trouble. Since we're all in the room, Harley's going to think we all helped ruin the apartment."

Riddler whispered in confidence, while saying, "I know how to make her be cool with us."

Harley looked around and saw how much damage the Joker had done to the apartment. The guys agreed to Riddler's suggestion, which was to dance around the apartment. Riddler was super confident, that his dancing would make Harley forget about the damage. Penguin danced in the fish tank, Two-Face danced in a pile of coins, Joker danced in the game room, and Riddler danced in a pile of riddles. Harley folded her arms and angrily asked, "What's going on?"

The Joker had an evil smile on his face, while saying, "I purposely ruined the dining room, along with everything you and your friends like."

Harley looked a little sad, while asking, "Why would you do that? We're a loving couple."

Joker replied, "Yeah right, you gullible goofball. I love trolling with you, messing with you, and breaking your mediocre heart. I've never had any feelings of true love, Harley. You're life is a joke, which amuses me." He did an evil laugh.

Harley was ticked-off, so she grabbed Joker and threw him across the room. Two-Face flipped his coin, to see if he should leave. The coin suggested he should, so he walked away. The Riddler packed-up his riddles, before running away. The Penguin waddled away. Harley grabbed her hammer and used it, to smack Joker to the ground. The Joker pointed at Harley and laughed, before passing out. The guards heard the noise, so a few of them came into the room and asked what was going on. Harley explained the situation, so the guards grabbed the Joker and started taking him back to Arkham Asylum.

Harley returned to the second floor. Catwoman was slurping a gallon of milk, Talia was taking selfies, and Ivy was sitting in a corner, while feeling upset and sad. Harley walked by her and said, "Ivy, I'm really sorry. I went back to the apartment and saw all the damage, that the Joker had done."

Poison Ivy replied, "Now you know the Joker's lowbrow nature. However, knowing you, I'm sure you'll still gush about him and act like he's the most amazing thing ever."

Harley shook her head and said, "That's not the case, this time. Joker admitted he doesn't love me. I know I'm gullible, but even I can't believe he cares about me, after saying that. I'm really sorry, that I made us get into a fight."

Ivy replied, "I'm also sorry. I was trying to employ some tough love, but I was probably too rough."

Harley asked, "Can we go back to being buddies?"

Ivy asked, "Am I going to keep being your second-favorite friend?"

Harley asked, "Are you kidding? You're the best. I love ya more than anybody." Ivy smiled and nodded. Harley gave her a big hug. Ivy and Harley went back to their apartment. The apartment was in worse shape, than ever before, but they had never had been happier.


End file.
